For about a week now I’ve been debating whether or not I should write about the anniversary of losing our little one. It almost seems odd to annually discuss such a traumatic event, however, a part of me thinks that if I don’t say anything, then I’m not fully honoring the baby…that I’m not being fully transparent. There is comfort in writing about it, and the very essence of this blog is to create a space of vulnerability and relate ability. If my words lend comfort to somebody who has experienced a similar situation, or is currently going through it, then I’ve fulfilled my purpose; and to you I say, you are not alone…it will get easier.
January 3rd marked 3 years…how interesting that this year I’m 33 years old…don’t you love when life connects in such a way? In some ways it feels like it’s been longer then three years, and in other ways it feels like it was just yesterday we were holding hands at the hospital nervously awaiting my surgery. Never in a million years did I think my body would react the way it did…I’m beyond the questioning, beyond the grief…I’m now in a stage of gratefulness. Grateful for my two healthy boys…grateful for my little family of four. I will never be the same, and often wonder what he or she would have been like. God is in control…we may not have all the answers, or know the big picture, but what I have experienced is an indescribable joy, a sense of peace and comfort that can ONLY come from the Lord. Loss is loss…it’s an absence of something great, but how I’ve dealt with loss is a true testament of God’s love for us.
I will always honor my little one because a mother never forgets her children…after all, they are the only ones who know what my heartbeat sounds like from the inside. Te amo siempre, mi Ángel.
As you may know, every year on my birthday, I take a moment to self-reflect on my last 365 days. Usually I find great joy in this task, however, this year it felt like a chore. When I turned 29 I started this blog, and I promised myself that I wouldn’t write out of obligation, but that my words would serve as therapy and, hopefully, as encouragement to those who read them. Seeing as my birthday is on Christmas Eve, it took me about a week to feel inspired…(being sick on my birthday definitely didn’t help me get my thoughts together)…which now brings us to the present moment (queue drum roll)…I am finally my favorite number…33!!
Before moving forward, I took some quiet time to reflect on my 32nd year…my baby boy turned one, (now you can understand why I’m exhausted these days chasing after my new toddler), my oldest son started kindergarten, (what is with all the homework??…it’s kindergarten for goodness sake!), I started a new job that is mentally stimulating and challenging, my personal relationships and friendships have continued to grow, but most importantly, God continued to strengthen my gifts; in turn, the depth of my relationship with Him continues to increase. (John 3:30)
What’s so amazing about God is that He has a great deal of layers…I’m constantly learning more and seeing Him continue to work in wonderful ways. As years pass, I will continue to physically and mentally change, but God still remains the same. I can always count on Him, and even when my human nature tries to take over, He reminds me that He STILL is in control.
I see you 33, and welcome you with open arms…Cheers.