Two years ago today was the hardest day of my life. A tremendous pain that was and still is quite indescribable…I remember wondering why my sadness was so deep within me. I never saw a face, we never chose a name…but the sound of a precious heartbeat was all I needed to immediately fall in love. A love so organic and natural…the love of a mother. Being a mother is a true privilege and a blessing. When I became a mother for the first time, I finally understood a fraction of what God’s love for us is like.
Ironically, 11 years ago today was the day we got engaged…we never imagined that years down the road we would be grieving the loss of our second baby. I will never know the why, and quite frankly I’ve realized these past two years that the why is insignificant. What I do know is that God’s peace surpasses the pain, the questions, and the hurt. I choose now to be thankful for the joy our angel did bring us. Although it was brief, my life has been forever changed.
Tomorrow the hubs and I have the privilege of dedicating our new baby boy…Gavin Benjamin…(future post about him coming soon)…Through our loss came a blessing in the form of another baby. God had favor on me throughout my pregnancy and labor! Gavin did not replace our angel. You see, I may only have two living children, but I am and will always be a mother of three.
For the last couple of years I’ve started a personal tradition…birthday reflections. It’s a way for me to reflect on my past year of life, and look forward to what my next 365 days will be. New Year resolutions are such a daunting task for me, and there’s a great deal of pressure to set goals. Being a Christmas Eve baby can at times be mentally exhausting…we are at the peak of the holiday season, which is enough craziness in itself…no wonder we only do that once a year…New Year buzz is in the air, and in the midst of it all, it’s quite refreshing to take some quiet time to reflect and appreciate how many years of life I’ve been given.
31 has been a wonderful year for me…I gave birth to another beautiful son, the hubs and I became homeowners, and more importantly, God has opened my eyes even more to the woman He has created me to be. Ever since I turned 30, something magical has been happening. Confidence, acceptance, assurance…everything that I’ve tried to convince myself that I feel, but never truly felt them; until now. I know who I am…I love the woman I’m becoming…I’m living a life for an audience of One.
Although this past year has challenged my core, it’s strengthened me. My faith has been tested…(actually I can’t think of a year when my faith hasn’t been tested)…I’ve had to define and prioritize relationships…did I mention I gave birth to another boy?? Yes, year 31 has been crazy, exciting, frustrating, painful, and amazing. With 31 years down, I’m eager to see what year 32 will bring me.
P.S. The only good thing about having a Christmas Eve birthday is that America believes it’s the most wonderful time of the year. 😉